How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy (t3knomanser) wrote,
How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy

View From the Tarris: The Bart Tarris Advice Column

Dear Bart,
I'm a high school senior, and am worried that I'm losing touch with my friends already. They've really changed, and I don't think I'm that kind of person. Like, I was at a party this weekend, and there was a bunch of drinking, and all these kinds necking and doing other stuff. At one point, these two girls were making out on the couch after having too much beer, and asked me to join them. I just wasn't raised that way, and don't know how to respond. Is that what college is going to be like?

Confused Over College Kinks

COCK, I've gotta say- would that I've got your problems. The last time I was at a party and two high school chicks wanted me to make out with them, I spent the next three weeks in a holding cell awaiting my court date.

Listen kid, let me keep this simple. Take your cock, out of the Bible, put it in your left hand, and use your right hand to do a Google search on "FFM threesomes". That'll clear up a bunch of stuff.

PS: What school district are you in, and when's the next party?
PPS: And once you figure out that threesomes are a great idea, could you explain that to my ex-wife?

Dear Bart,
My wife has been becoming more and more distant over the past few months. We are rarely very intimate, and on the rare occasions we are, she treats it more like a chore than something entertaining. I'm worried that she's seeing someone else on the side.

Blue Balls

BB, let me tell you something. I've been married more times than Liz Taylor. Sometimes, she leaves you over something stupid, like missing the vagina and shoving your penis in her ass. Repeatedly. Very fast. Other times, it's because you come home stinking drunk every night.

Her avoiding sex could actually mean a couple of things:
1) She's knocked up. You'll know for sure in a few months.
1a) She's knocked up and it isn't yours. You'll still know in a few months, especially if it belongs to that nigger African American down the street.

2) She's a lesbian. In that case, offer her a show marriage and set a web cam up in her personal bedroom. Financial security isn't far away. And shoot me the address when you get that up, okay?

3) You suck in bed. And in that case, she's totally in the wrong. Every man sucks in bed, which is why they keep angling for girl-girl-guy threesomes. The girls will get each other off, but think the guy is somehow responsible.

4) She's seeing someone else, which could be related to any of the above. You could hire a PI and find out for sure, but hiring a cheap hooker (of the appropriate gender) to seduce her and take pictures is a hell of a lot cheaper. And it means she won't be able to take you for everything you have in the divorce, which is something I should have kept in mind after my seventh wife, because without her, this column wouldn't be necessary possible.

Well, that all for this week kiddos. For this week, I'm giving you homework. Drink a fifth of whiskey for my dead grandfather. If anyone complains that you're drunk, tell them why. Just leave out the part that he died ten years before I was born, and we're not completely sure when it was, because the body wasn't found till after I was born. And we wondered why the attic had a funny smell.

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