How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy (t3knomanser) wrote,
How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy
t3knomanser

The Care and Feeding of a Dark Young of Shub-Niggurath

CARE AND FEEDING OF THE DARK YOUNG OF SHUB-NIGGURATH

CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of that rarest of rare pets, a DARK YOUNG OF SHUB-NIGGURATH. INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS provides you with this guide to help ensure that you, and your pet (mostly you) enjoy a long, exciting life. Please follow these instructions closely. INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS is not responsible for any madness, injury or death to you or your pet (mostly you).

NAMING
The first thing most owners like to do is name their pet. Your DARK YOUNG might prove to be choosy about its name, so we have the following recommendations. "Fluffy", "Fido", "Mittens", "Snugglepuss" and "Princess" are right out, unless it is "Princess of the Unholy Nightmare". More suitable names are "Horror Beyond Name", "Transgressor and Defiler of all that is Holy", or "Honeybunch." When you first call your DARK YOUNG by name, it may respond angrily. Should you survive, it is highly recommended that you choose a different name.

ENVIRONMENT
DARK YOUNG resemble trees, and as such, tend to thrive in a well forested region. Not just any forest will do however. If your forest can be described with the words "eldritch", "menacing", "foreboding", or "horrifying", the DARK YOUNG should be right at home.

The best climate should be humid and cool, but not to worry. Should the climate not meet your DARK YOUNG's satisfaction, it will be more than capable of putting a chill in the air, and the greenish fluids that it secretes (we here at INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS call it "Love Juice") will prevent it from drying out. If it does become dry, we suggest that you leave a small wading pool out for your DARK YOUNG. As a special treat, you might decided to drown a young, non-cultist child in the pool, which will surely make your DARK YOUNG shiver with delight. If you aren't sure where to find one, INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS sells Christian Virgin Children (part no. 05-AABCQ-96) at a reasonable price.

COMPANIONSHIP
Like humans, DARK YOUNG are social creatures. The best companionship you can provide for your DARK YOUNG would be a local cult worshipping SHUB-NIGGURATH. Your DARK YOUNG will act as a proxy for their sacrifices (see: FEEDING). If you aren't sure where to find one, INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS maintains a directory of cults- there may be one local to you in our directory (part no. 03-QRTEF-52). If there is not, you may consider starting your own cult. INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS offers a two week self-paced training package, delivered to your own home (part no. 33-FTRRY-00).

In any good cult, you will find a GOFF'NN HUPADGH SHUB-NIGGURATH. These formerly human worshippers are sure to form a close bond with your DARK YOUNG, and will be more than happy to help you with sacrifices (see: FEEDING).

FEEDING
Like any other pet, the proper feeding of a DARK YOUNG is of the upmost importance. The biggest difference is that while a hungry dog may break into the pantry, a hungry DARK YOUNG will break into your house- and eat YOU! Here are a few tips to make sure your DARK YOUNG is well fed and happy.

Be sure to set up a regular feeding schedule. A DARK YOUNG does not need to be fed often, but they must be trained to expect food at regular intervals. To keep it easy to remember, we here at INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS make sure our DARK YOUNG is fed at midnight on every New Moon. The roughly 28 day interval is a good estimate, but you may find that your pet wants to be fed more or less often. It is _very_ important not to feed your pet too often, as it will simply tear its victims limb from limb, leaving large quantities of evidence. If you're not sure whether or not your DARK YOUNG is hungry, don't take any chances. Feed it, and just be sure to clean up the mess afterwards.

So what does your DARK YOUNG eat? Anyone really, it's not that picky. But generally, it favors non-cultists, or cultists that don't serve SHUB-NIGGURATH. College professors, occultists, doctors, psychologists and private detectives are a common favorite, and in most areas are easy to find. Children, while not as nourishing, do provide a wonderful treat that's sure to help you train your DARK YOUNG to behave with positive reinforcement. If your local police prove to be overly vigilant, or you live in a rural area without many people, call our main office, which will be happy to set up a series of regular deliveries (284-553-2846).

GROOMING
A DARK YOUNG will tend to get dirtier than your average pet- yes, even worse than when your dog dug up all your rosebushes, rolled in its own droppings, and ripped the throat out of little Jimmy across the street. Between their "Love Juice", the blood of their victims, and the general aura of darkness that soils anything around them, your DARK YOUNG is going to get quite dirty.

Proper hygiene for a DARK YOUNG involves vigorous scrubbing, gentle rinsing, often with a hose, and a final anointing with the blood of a virgin. If you aren't sure where to find one, INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS sells Christian Virgin Children (part no. 05-AABCQ-96) at a reasonable price.

Your DARK YOUNG will also be very sensitive, and often doesn't realize its own strength. A DARK YOUNG, tickled during bathing, is a common cause of death among DARK YOUNG owners. Because of this, we at INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS have found that it is best to using a very long handled brush to clean your DARK YOUNG. We prefer a 40ft reach, in a convenient collapsable design that fits easily into the closet (part no. 41-POQPE-65).

SEX
The sex of a DARK YOUNG is difficult to determine. We recommend you don't.

PLAY
Your DARK YOUNG is freshly born from the loins of SHUB-NIGGURATH. It escaped reabsorption back into her body, but that doesn't mean it's not still young. Like any young pet, a DARK YOUNG needs play to exercise and to be happy in its environment.

Like any animal, a DARK YOUNG prefers games that resemble its instinctual method of gathering food (see: FEEDING). We've found that kids are great for staging mock rituals that give the DARK YOUNG a chance to play along. It's also a great way to help your children resolve any problems at school; bullies and teachers alike make great toys for your DARK YOUNG. Your boss or the local pastor are also sure to keep your DARK YOUNG entertained.

LIFE-SPAN
DARK YOUNG are not technically alive, and as such, can be expected to be around longer than you. Much longer than you.

CONCLUSION
If you follow these simple instructions, you and your DARK YOUNG are sure to have a very rewarding relationship, at least for the DARK YOUNG. INNSMOUTH EXOTIC PETS sells our pets with no warranty, and is not legally responsible for any damage, death, madness, injury, or GATE OPENINGS that occur as a result of owning one of our pets. Should any ELDER GOD or GREAT OLD ONE appear to you after purchasing one of our pets, please be aware that such a thing is counted as an ACT OF GOD, and is not covered by any form of insurance.
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