deliriumcrow and I are splitting up after three years. And it's been my choice to do that- I've been so tired and so unhappy and so generally listless with our relationship- I haven't really had any strong feelings for her for a long time, and I've been trying to change that- but I've finally given up. We're going to take next week and try and see if we can't figure things out, but I don't expect that to really change the outcome.
There was a great deal leading up to this, and there'll be a great deal following it too, as we try and straighten out who goes where with what. The perils of breakups that involve a shared apartment and one person without a job. I'm going to make sure she's taken care of until she can do it herself- which may put me on people's couches next week. We'll see.
She's going off to Vegas for Cat and Dan's wedding- I was originally planning to go, but the thought of spending an entire weekend with a group of people who are all Cate's friends- people I haven't even met with one exception- does not strike me as a pleasant prospect. I cancelled my nonrefundable ticket and shipped the confirmation number over to alyina, as she wanted to try and get to Phoenix. I'll get the favor returned somehow.
In the meantime, I'm going to go in seclusion this weekend. Sometime after work tomorrow- perhaps directly after- I'm going _someplace_. I haven't decided yet. I'll bring my laptop but probably won't be going online much, and my cell will spend most of it's time off. I'll check messages perenially in case there's some emergency.
In other news, today was my first day on full time at New Horizons- I forgot to fill out a time card. They also canned the number one sales guy. Apparently, it was some sort of power-struggle "We don't care how much money you make for us, we're not taking any lip" thing. He'd been arguing against some of the stupid policies he saw being implemented and the way classes were getting jerked around.
Why did I agree to come on full time again? Explain this to me. I'll probably take at least a little time to redo my resume and shoot it off. miusheri apparently knows a recruiter who's desperate for employees to pimp out, so we'll see if that turns into anything.
I'm getting low on funds at the moment- mostly because the big-ass check from Harrisburg is in the mail. When I leave work tomorrow I'm gonna grab a much smaller check for last week's work, and try and use that to cover my weekend. When I get back, I'll have to shoot off rent for an apartment I may or may not be staying in- depends where Cate ends up. There was talk of her perhaps landing at alyina's, so we'll see what happens there.
In closing, a description of my character. "I am as constant as the North Star. You'll use me to set your direction for ages, and I am as steady as can be- but given enough time, you suddenly discover that I've gradually slipped out of position and am pointing someplace completely different."
Sick as it sounds, I do feel good. I've _acted_ for the first time in a long time, instead of _reacting_, which is what I've been doing since before I trooped down to Kingston for that ill-fated adventure. I'm picking a direction and going- and maybe it is the wrong direction, but at least I'm taking control and doing _something_; I feel more alive at least, even if things are vaguely miserable at the moment.