b) Lightweight to run as an applet
d) Don't suck.
Figures. I could make a nice solution that avoids that shit, and set up a server side XML-RPC server that returns a WAV file or something, but that's a pain in my ass, and not really that nice an idea anyway. _And_ the only reason I care is because there was a contract on Rentacoder for it- but it's a $25 gig. Totally not worth the trouble.
So, using Java, it is not practical to make a speaking web page. Just so's y'all know.