Unlike Tim, I'm undeserving. But you all know that already. Things are good, things are good.
Amanda is going to be posting about the entire story of Remy and Amanda, and I don't have the ambition to attempt to transcribe the entire history, at least at this moment, so i'll settle for a smaller goal... this weekend.
Friday started off really shitty. You saw that, you heard my whiny, mewling rants, saw Amanda's pain. I convinced her to come and pick me up, A big sacrifice, being that it's a two hour drive, and I do appreciate it, regardless of the outcome of the weekend. But we talked in the car, and it was nice, bittersweet, but nice. Despite how hard we were trying, we couldn't connect. There was this barrier, and it wasn't going away all day friday. We tried, we really did, but I was so desperate to do this right, that it wasn't working. I think she could probably see the screaming desperation in my eyes, and it was scary.
We curled up and slept together, cuddling together all night, but by morning, I was done. I had given up. Remember, on Friday, Amanda had given up, until I had made my LJ post. Which I'll talk about the synchronicities of that in a moment. But Saturday morning, I gave up, and surrendered to the inevitable.
Buddhists talk about surrender, and I often tell Sarah that she needs to let go and give up before she needs to suceed. The thing is, you can just decide to give up, you have to honestly, really give up. And we did...
And we suceeded.
As of the hour of cuddling together in bed with the sunshine slipping in through the windows, Amanda and I have decided that not only was this weekend closure for what we were, but a chance to do it again- right. Not many people get second chances, fewer people get third chances. Yet here we are, I'm on my third try.
We enjoyed the weekend thouroghly. We went to the Peace Pagoda. We made dinner together. (Lovely muscles in red wine sauce, muchly goodness, with angel hair pasta (the best kind)). We attempted to rent the crow, but the tape was misorganized and instead we got the first two hours of the Crow TV series (BLEH!). We talked, we cuddled and slept, we had the best sex that I can remember clearly, or at least the best sex in recent memory. Not that you wanted to know that.
On the ride home, we taled about the band that we've been dreaming about, and for once, it seems that it's going to happen. We're even starting work on a song that is basically "our" song. Accidenal correlation actually, I wanted to do a song that slipped from a fantasy/musicboxish sounding waltz into a rammestien hard death thing, and wavered between the two, until they kinda melded.
'Manda's the one who pointed out that it's the same as our relationship.
Now, onto the snychronicity.
I'm wondering what's up with 'Manda, I think she might still be at work, and since we never worked out what was going down this weekend, I pop on to talk to her. She's not there, so I assume she left for here. That being so, I post onto LJ about how I intend to attempt to patch things up with 'Manda. Meanwhile, Amanda attempts to call to tell me she's not coming, and she gets a busy signal. Realizing that either my sister or I must be online, she logs on- seoonds after I log off. She reads LJ, and reacts with an "oh shit!". She calls, still wanting to not come.
I answer, and when she tells me, I burst into tears (the first time of many many many for the weekend). And upon hearing me cry, she realize that I haven't really torn open like that for a very, very long time. Too long. And it ignites a spark of hope.
Had we met online, she would have never come down. I would have come across as angry and bitchy, not sad (much like I came across in my LJ posts). She would have decided not to come, and I wouldn't be putting this post here. I'd be out chasing someone bad for me most likely.
I'm sorry to all of you that disagree with this. I know that many don't approve, and that others may be directly hurt by this. I am sorry, I want you all to know that. I don't want you to think that I dragged Amanda back into this, or that I wasn't considering the world around us. Brett, I know things were a little odd with you and 'Manda, and I really hope this doesn't scare you off, I'd hate to know that you don't want to be around her because of this. She likes you, and is very comfortable with you, which is a special thing, and which means you're a good person to have around. I've never disagreed with 'Manda's taste (aside from Sashee, who I don't dislike, but nor do I care for muchly, sorry 'Manda).
I love you all,
And I love you Amanda,
Hope springs eternal so they say,
But springs come from holes in the ground,
So usually you don't notice the spring until you've hit bottom anyway.