Last fall was the entire Shannon debacle, and involved in that was the Halloween attempt on my life. Micheal, who was sorta kinda dating Shannon (he though he was, she thought he wasn't) before she fell into my arms also happened to be the local ceremonial magician (though not so local at this point, having been booted out of Siena with a sparkling 0.0 GPA) decided that this could not continue, and that I was a hazard to myself and those around me... so it was time for him to step in and remove me from the situation... in the most permanent sense. Being the "High muckey muck ceremonial magician of so and so ancient tradition" he was of course, going to do this magickally. He had claimed on many occasions that he had brought death in this manner. True or false... who cares?
Now, I don't know what rituals or procedures he was using, but I saw this as an opportunity. I had recently been reading The Infinity Concerto, which lent an idea to me on dealing with this situation. I bundled up the stuff I didn't want, the things I didn't like about myself, and interposed that between me and Mike's attempt. There's more to it than that, but that's the basic gist.
Ever since though... I haven't been the same. It's not that he got through, because his magick all struck that shadow I cast, I'm sure of that. But instead, I think I threw the baby out with the bath water. In throwing out things, I don't think I ever really stopped to think about what I was getting rid of. I was labling alot of stuff as "bad" when it probably wasn't. In doing so... I lost a good deal of my vitality, my passion.
Well doesn't that suck!
However... I had a realization.
Time... time is not riverbeing, it doesn't just flow one way... hell, it doesn't flow at all. We only see it that way. So, that raises a point. On last halloween, I acted quickly. I moved without really considering the issues, and made a mistake. But that mistake can be undone. I can take more time, and come up with a better plan for stopping Mike's attempted death blow. One that doesn't involve killing off parts of myself. I think it's time that I live with what I am. Then... once I've formulated the plan... this halloween, I take advantage of the excess energies inherent in the day itself, as well as the particular alignment of doing it on the same day to cast out my new plan retroactively... reaching back through time (see, even though I deny the flow, I still think it has a forward and a backward). This time, nothing gets killed.
Now, the bonuses. All those things that helped define me, as chaotic and unsafe as they were... they were fun... and I can bring that back, and this time be a little older and wiser in my handling of them. But, because of the nature of this action, I won't end up fiddling with the past any. The past year will still have passed just as it did, as if I never meddled with time. Instead, from the moment I came up with this idea, the stuff that I lost starts to come back. As the decision moves closer and closer to being acted out, the lost bits of Remy will start to become more and more apparent, until the point where I actually act it out... at that point, it should all be done, and I should be whole again.
But without losing the invaluable experiences of the past year.
In some ways, it's just a beautiful idea. Full of the granduer and grandioseness that I adore... fun, inventive... and... well, FUN.