Yeah, the whole thing is ubertweaked, I admit it. She's like some sorta drug, and I'm just abstaining completely in this case, cause I can't handle it.
Speaking of can't handle it... my discussions with Amanda seem to have had reprecussions expanding beyond the two of us. Other people have gotten upset. I can understand of course, because I'm sorta kinda trampling over her emotions. I still keep wanting to give up- but in what direction to give up in, that's the question.
I don't want stability. I like the unknown aspects of our current relationship. I like the not knowing. I like being vulnerable. I like standing on shaky ground.
This isn't a matter of me wanting the freedom to go shag whomever I desire and still get my steady poontang source in Amanda. Hell, as of late, sexual interaction with Amanda is because she wants it, not me. Alot of times, I'd rather just masturbate. What it is, I am an emotional slut. I just love exposing my soft, fleshy bits to other people and mixing mine with thiers- emotionally.
Maybe it's in part proving that I've GOT emotions. My parents would always berate me that I didn't have any, that I was stuffing them down- and I was, because god forbid I demonstrate any signs of vulnerablity to my parents. My childhood was a battle for superiority against them, and I couldn't let my guard down.
Maybe it's the thought of getting someone to go, "I understand," because I don't. I don't understand at all.
You know what scares me sometimes? The fact that, sometimes, when I'm "dropping my defenses" and "opening up", I can feel the Chill. The Chill calculates. The Chill connives. The Chill takes. And takes. And takes. Sometimes, I have to wonder if the Chill is all I really am. If all of my better intentions are just the Chill working to improve it's position. To exert power and influence over others. To take more.
So I can never know if I'm doing something for the reasons I think, or if just at the whim of the Chill.
The other thing that gets me, is that I have no real reason to be fucked up. Sure, rough start as a youngin', but compared to some of my friends, I led a pristine existance.
Yet I'm hounded by the Chill. I slay the innards of those around me.
Hrm... this is... pretty dark. Yet, I don't feel sad, or upset, or anything, except for this overpowering... strength. I feel like a praying mantis.