June 10th, 2006

run the fuck away

This shouldn't be so fucking hard.

Making a "Transformers" movie shouldn't be so fucking hard. But they're certainly sending it straight down the shitter, at least from early script drafts, as well as some production shots I've seen (and those were official). One thing I'm inclined to believe is that they spend too much time focussing on the human characters. I've predicted this was going to happen, and here's the thing about making this movie. A producer is going to want to balance the human interest with giant robots blowing the shit out of each other, and we, the viewers, know exactly where that balance lies- completely on the side of giant robots blowing the shit out of each other.

Let me explain what we don't want. We don't want human leads. The leads are Optimus Prime and Megatron. We don't want a romance subplot. The core plot is robots blowing the shit out of each other. We don't need fancy jigs danced around the names. Bumble Bee is not a Camaro (I know VW wouldn't license the Bug, but to go from a VW Bug to a CAMARO?), Devestator is not a tank. Don't try and placate us by saying that those names are temporary.

You know who should be directing this movie? David R. Ellis. You might know him as the director of the best movie ever. Why do I suggest putting the director of Snakes on a Plane in charge Transformers? Because both of these films have incredibly simple premises. In one, there are snakes on a plane. In another, giant robots go rampaging through a city. Simple, pure things that harken back to our child hood. These are not plots made as richly woven tapestries. These are straight-line-a-to-b stories. These are stories that are meant to appeal to the least common denominator and be good at it.

Let me give you my plot sketch for a Transformers film. Collapse )

That's all I can bang out for now, but I think this shows how simple we can make the premise here, and that roughly maintains continuity with the mainline Transformers as well as Beast Wars. And breaking Rampage out (not as a crab, but as some hideous mixed beast) would be fucking bad ass, especially when he gets unleashed on a city.