January 7th, 2006

run the fuck away

Reports - How to get the Government to Fund a Mission to Mars

(AP) High level national intelligence officials have reached the conclusion that Mars (search) has begun an active program to develop weapons of mass destruction.

"We've intercepted communication between the Martian Government and Niger," Dick McBlister, deputy director of the CIA's WMD proliferation department. "Recently, a set of very advanced robots- robots potentially capable of delivering a bomb at a distance, like Iraq's UAVs, were delivered to Mars. This is part of a long trend of experiments involving very long range missiles and autonomous robotics."

The State Department has claimed that talks with the Martian Ambassador have failed, and if UN weapons inspectors are not allowed into the pyramid palaces at Cydonia(Cydonia) there will be no choice but to seek approval from Congress to "escalate".

Many detractors are vociferously protesting the claims of Martian WMDs. Lynn Moonbeam, head of Peace is the Solution to Save (PISS), responded to talk of police action. "What is Mars? It's a giant desert. Like the Middle East! And what's in deserts? Hello, oil! No blood for oil!" Dr. Jack Bischoff, member of the liberal think tank Social/Historical Improvement Thesis, was somewhat more reserved. "Once again, the government is planning to invest billions- potentially trillions of dollars in both a wasteful war as well as a useless space program- frankly, for a hundred million a year, I could show the government much better ways to spend its money."

President Bush had this to say during a press conference: "Mars is politically unstable. They're not free on Mars- there's no democracy. And now we know that they're developing WMDs- we can't wait to find a smoking gun. Let me tell you something- Mars... they hate us there. If an American were to walk around Mars without special protection they'd die! These radical Martians hate our Freedom. There is no negotiation with people like that."

The Pentagon has made no formal announcements about possible police actions or distribution of military force, but inside sources did reveal that an elite team of Marines have been transferred into service at Cape Canaveral Space Center.
run the fuck away


So, I'm waiting on my new digital effects processor for my violin. Fedex is doing everything in their power to get it here, with remarkable efficiency.

Collapse )