September 9th, 2005


Open Letter to American Politicians Everywhere.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
I have come down with a terrible sickness, and it has descended upon me both suddenly, and fiercely. This malaise strikes only infrequently throughout history, but it always spreads throughout a region like a fire.

The disease that afflicts me, you politicians walking the halls of power, is the disease of a failing government. The virus that makes me ill is you.

Yes, you glad-handing scoundrels, that give with one hand and take twice as much with the other, smiling bandits lurking beneath marble statues, just looking for that next vote, that next pork project, that final corporate handout that will secure your place of power.

I'm done with you, each and every one of you. I hope that I'm alive to watch your fortunes crumble, and your power whither away- and I will do everything in my power to see that it happens in my lifetime. It is time for a change.

Most recently, was the Katrina disaster, in which, massive mistakes, ranging from the lowest levels of political power, to the very apex of the United States political system, brought into doubt the social contract that allows this government to exist.

Wait, I'm using large words and complicated concepts. Let me simplfy it into terms your disease ridden, aristocratic brains can understand, you syphillitic, nepotistic, cagey bastards. The Government only exists because people agree there are some things we can't do on our own. We all agree to sacrifice a little bit of individual freedom, from the anarchistic ideal of self-autonomy, to even smaller, accepted things, like income taxes. We pay for the existance of a government in freedom- in return, the government exists to do for us what we can not do alone. Defend us from external and internal threats. Support us in our worst times of need- like this Katrina disaster.

We agree to have a government to ensure that we are cared for in such an event. And the government is not caring for us. This breach of the social contract makes us ask- why is the government there? Why do we allow these political hacks to profit from our misery, as Halliburton rakes in reconstruction contracts for Baghdad on the Bayou, as FEMA sits in a corner, masturbating, over photos of the National Guard troops in Iraq. When a massive Earthquake strikes California, who do we expect to be there? Who do we demand to be there? Who has agreed to be there? When terrorists make another attack, who is supposed to respond?

That is what the Government exists for. It exists for the common good. And right now, the Government is not living up to its end of the bargain.

The United States was founded, first, with a set of ideals, written out in the Declaration of Independance. These lofty ideals were followed with an attempt to put them into practice- the Constitution of the United States. You might recognize it as the toilet paper you use to wipe your asses upon. This great experiment was meant to ensure that we, the Citizens, were safe. Safe from foreign threats. Safe from natural disaster, and most importantly- safe from our Government.

You self-important bastards, who prostitute themselves for votes, you politicians- a multisyllabic word for rats- have destroyed that glorious experiment. I hope you're happy.

Some people might say I'm being hypercritical. Surely, we have it so much better than the rest of the world. It is true, I would rather live in the United States, even in the squalor to which she has fallen, than in any country on Earth. But it's not other nations that I use as my benchmark. As one Internet gag so aptly puts it- "Arguing on the Internet is like running in the Special Olympics- even if you win, you're still retarded." Being the best of the worst, is no prize at all.

The only thing I compare the United States to is those founding documents, the Declaration of Independance- which contains the Spirit behind the laws, and the Constitution, the laws themselves. And with that lofty measuring stick, you are nothing but the saddest failures in the history of mankind.

You do not provide leadership. You do not provide for the common welfare. You do not provide any service, whatsoever to mankind, except for mildly amusing, and wholly depressing, entertainment. With that in mind, I announce that I am done with you. I call upon my fellow Americans, people who still believe in what this nation stands for, to stand with me, and start working for a change. Deflate these smiling devils, and replace them with statesmen, with honest people, who work, not for privlege, not for glory, not for power, but for Duty.

We, as Citizens, have a Duty to stop you, those scandalous beings that spread disease in their footsteps, lurking in their glorious mansions, walking those steps on Capitol Hill. You are a contagion that threatens the Free people of the United States of America. You are the disease that saps our strength, you are the terrorists that will use the politics of fear just as quickly and easily as you brush your teeth at night. You like your positions, and will do anything to maintain them.

For this, you politicians, for this, I hate you. The American people hate you. And we are finished with you. Renounce your posts, for they will be taken from you. Surrender your inheritance, for your aristocracy is doomed. With any luck, people will heed my call before it is too late, before things go to far- for there is still a chance for this to end peacefully. That chance does not last long. Soon, all too soon, the people will clamor for blood, and the reasonable, the rational among us will not be able to stem the tide.

So I call out to you now, the American People, and plead with you to act now. To toss these gilded parrots into the cold, and take back the power that is your right as Americans. If we are to sow the seeds of democratic ideals about the world, let us start at home. Act now, while we still have some hope that the ballot box will work- because when the ballot box fails us, we have nothing left but to reach for the ammo box, and no one will profit from that.

Jeremy Porter