June 8th, 2005

My Hat!


Here's a nice introspective post. Haven't done one of these in awhile.

I'm happy. Now, there's lots of reasons why, from success at work, to a wonderful girlfriend, and as important as things like that are (especially that second one), they don't really get to the core of why I'm happy. And it's finally getting that MCSD cert that made me realize it.

I've always been passably successful in life. I was a good student in school, a good counselor at Trimount (my first real job), in the balance, a good friend, albiet occasionally often immature about it. At New Horizons, I've always been a valuable, liked, and respected instructor. For an amateur violinist, I'm pretty darn good. And something I took a measure of pride in, was that none of this has taken any work.

This was something I always took a big measure of satisfaction in. I don't have to try. It certainly makes life easy, but it certainly doesn't make it interesting. Ever since that childish wonder of life started to wear off, around those angsty teen years that we're all embarassed to remember, I've been suffering from an increasing assault of boredom. And that's all been my fault.

I didn't choose the job at New Horizons, both times I've ended up working there, I just fell into it. Every girlfriend I've had, until Minna, was just someone who happened to be there. I've literally had a habit for going after the first thing that comes along. The number of actual decisions I've made, the things I've worked for, is countless- because there aren't any. Even my Eagle Scout rank was more or less handed to me. Not to say I was one of those terrible paper Eagles, but I certainly didn't go out of my way for it.

Little things are starting to click though, and I'm starting to realize that, if I put my mind to something, interesting things happen. Sometimes it's inane things. I recently got a copy of XIII, a fun game, and I've been throwing myself into it with vigor, not obsession, and I'm really starting to discover how entertaining it can be to be challenged by a game (usually I give up or cheat- Quake II is the only game I ever beat fair). Hanging out at SCA events, and playing with some of the instrumentalists, who break out sheet music, something I've been avoiding for years because that's actually work. I have to make it sound a certain way, not just whatever vaguely cool improv comes out of my violin. I've been actively seeking critisism from people who know more about things than I do, and actually trying to incorporate it and improve my work. I've been driving. Alot. A five hour course (damn NYS law) and a little refreshment on parallel parking (I used to be really good, but it's kinda fallen off with disuse) I'll be license bound in no time. Skateboarding has been an interesting challenge.

This is what's really at the core of my happiness. And it's bubbling over into other things, relationships most importantly. And not sleeping, because I just don't feel like I can do that right now, even though I'm getting increasingly tired as I write this.

The question this raises in my mind is this: Is this what growing up feels like? Not growing old, certainly, I'm finding more and more things that bring out the kid in me lately. Growing up.