March 14th, 2003

run the fuck away

(no subject)

I'm shitting Java, I swear to god. Actually, it's about that consistency. Not that you wanted to know.

Corba, EJB, I just wanted to let you know, I hate you.

That said, I've been contemplating identity. There's been some discussion lately about people and their identity in relationship with their sigoth. Cate and I both have a history of doing that sort of thing, and right now, my friends Tim and Sarah are seperating, and he's having the same problem.

Why is it so easy to tie one's sense of identity into their sigoth? It happens all the time. Part of that comes from growth, people grow together, like two trees planted near each other. But part of it always seems to have this feel of desperation. People start to reinterpret themselves so that they are amenable to their sigoth. I don't think there is anything wrong with reinterpretation of ones identity, especially in conjunction with a lifestyle change like sigothhood. But to reinterpret for some external influence, that's silly. You reinterpret yourself because it's good psychological maintainance. Your situation changes, you need to reevaluate, to see if you need to change or not. But any changes you make are made for your own purposes.

As of late, I've been considering more and more my own identity. Reevaluating. Comparing with previous states, and examining the rate of change in different areas. I definitely have been noticing that some peoples perceptions of me change more slowly than I do. At Denny's last night, I started realizing that many people there still see me the way I was in college.

I feel so little connection with that me. There are aspects, to be sure, but... well, I'm never good at connecting with my past. Maybe in five years time I'll feel a connection with Siena, much like after five years I started to feel a connection with Kingston. I do feel a connection with who I was in high school, but I think part of that is the close friendships that are still left over.

Save Sarah and Dennis, I don't have any close Siena friendships left over. Hell, I didn't really have any close friendships at Siena. Not by the time I left anyway. By the time I left, the person I talked the most openly and freely with was someone who's name I still don't know. In college, I was the buffoun, the object for ridicule.

Cate pointed that out for me last night, the way people would rag on me. I hadn't even noticed, but it bothered her. I'm not sure why I was like that in college. I went out of my way to play the fool; I don't mind playing the fool, but I don't like going out of my way for it. For anything really.

Every time I yell out "I fling poo!" it kinda goes back to that. Idiocy is my security blanket. When I'm in a social situation that I don't feel completely comfortable in, I start resorting to it. Which, by implication, means I wasn't all that comfortable in college. In retrospect, I think that was fairly true. With some people, in some environments it wasn't. Of course, at those times, I wasn't playing the fool either.

By the end of college, I'd have to say it was everything that I went through with Amanda that really kept me in that uncomfortable, off balance situation.

This is far more introspective than I was intending. And it's gonna fuck up your friends page, because I'm not cutting it. I will however, drop it for now, and get my ass back to studying.
run the fuck away

(no subject)

So, now, I've gotta figure out how to remove Oracle from a computer. Oracle has no uninstall program.

And my lower colon has decided to expel everything I've eaten as a liquid, and succeeding in that, will probably start on my gall bladder. Feh, I hate upset stomachs.