December 10th, 2001

run the fuck away

Oh, by the way...

Just to keep it clear, I'm ashamed by the first, vaguely amused by the second, and highly amused by the third. As far as the second goes, crimes are not something to discuss lightly, and the third, well, I didn't want to club anyone about the head with my sexual practices.

The first... well, I'm hesitant to speak on it for many obvious reasons.

Now though, I need to put my two cents in on a different debate. Lemme post this quick though, so no one phreaks out about the last with a misinterpretation.
  • Current Music
    Ugly Kid Joe - Cat's In The Cradle
run the fuck away

Okay... now to the debate

Alright, we've got a kinda cross journal debate about sexuality. There's manycolored and pgnblade who are discussing views on sexuality.

Mainly, what is the purpose of sex? What role does it play in a relationship.

Now, I personally, place a very low importance on sex- in general. Sex is there it's fun, it feels good, and can draw people together. These are all good things, no? Yes.

Now, some people stretch that into some sort of extremely mystical "only one person" thing. Sure, it's extremely mystical. And it's for that reason that I don't vote for the "only one person" thing, and no other reason.

I don't advocate promiscuity, despite a few adventures in that sound promiscuous (I'll come back to those later).

Think of it this way, sex has this wonderful power of making people closer. And I'm all about getting closer to people that I already care about. Not to say that everyone is appropriate for this thing. Some people don't dig that method of growing closer, and just because I want to grow closer with someone, that doesn't mean that sex is the only way to do it. But it is a way, and it can be, done properly, effective for it.

That's right, sex is a tool. Like a hammer, it is designed to a specific purpose, but that doesn't mean it has to be used to always drive in nails. That random liason (wasn't really random), that was what that was about. Using sex to do something else: in this case, get me to go waaaaaayyyy out on a limb.

So it's not all about growing closer. It's not all about pleasure, or adventure, what it is about, and always will be about is personal alchemy. It is to be always something to add to the mix to design a better self. So now we return, as I always tend to, to self-improvement.

La. Shoulda seen that one coming, no?
  • Current Mood
run the fuck away

Did, done, doing

Well, we've all had some time to digest my earlier posts. The responses have been... well, I honestly don't know. Something.

manycolored and rajura have really caught me.

Good ol' number one, as it shall henceforth be called, has really echoed in my psyche for awhile. I was a terribly adjusted youth; I was maybe three more beatings in the hallway away from a Columbine myself. Excuses? No. I don't excuse it. I don't, I can't excuse any of the things I did when I was a kid. Everything from animal mutilation, homemade bombs, near suicides, near homicides, and even molestation were things I did.

But at the same time, I don't. I'm not about that. The fact that it all happened, that's all part of who I was, and am, but that person, the person who did all those things, that's not who I am now.

For awhile, I attempted to distance myself from that. The primary motivation for going by "Remy" instead of "Jeremy" at Siena was that it was one more step away from who I was in the past. For a long time, I was a very guilt driven person. I saw myself as evil, I dealt with this conflict with images of knights in blazing white armor and simmering black dealing each other blows on the battlefield. I pretended hope, but really, I only thought the worst.

Then, the next stage was complete nonthinking about those things. I confessed them to a few very close people, and stopped thinking about it. And that was no good either.

I am not evil. I am not an object for revilement. I am better than the things I've done because I've learned from them. I am painfully aware of the things I am capable of. I've struggled on the boderline of sociopathy for a very long time. Even now, when I get upset, no one else matters.

But the fact is, while I bear with me all of who I was, I am not what I was. I instead, am striving forward, onward, and I'm working to distance myself again, not by running, or using a slightly different name, or claiming to be seperate, but by changing and growing.

When was the last time I really grew emotionally? I don't know. I really don't. But this moment, I'm accepting the past, and at the same time putting it behind me.

For those of you that find your trust shaken in me, think for a moment. You came to trust me through my actions. Through the way I have acted towards you and those around you. You've seen me fuck up, you've seen me pull off some surprisingly good shit.

Trust or do not trust me on the same merits that you originally came to trust me. Don't ignore what I have confessed today, but don't forget the faith I had in all of you by coming forward and sharing this.

...and to all of you in TV land...

...we are sorry...
  • Current Music
    Prodigy - One Love
run the fuck away

A moment of tears...


I just performed a druid sticks reading.

� � CAPUT DRACONIS - The Dragon's Head

� An entrance or beginning. It also indicates shrewdness and alertness.

� Dragon's head indicates new starts, birth and innocence. It is an

� indication of helping others while being aware of one's own needs at

the same time. The individual has complete faith in what they are

doing and is marching to the beat of a different drum. At eclipse, the

dragon moon appears to swallow the sun.

What's next? A sunrise?

I think so... you know Remy, I think so...
  • Current Music
    U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name
run the fuck away

What she said...

Quoth Sarah, the sage (such a lovely spice, no?):

I feel so profoundly sad. I am grieving for things that a month ago, a day ago, two hours ago, were my bedrock. Everyone around me is sad, scared, and suffering. Remy showed me a picture and it's making the hurt feel a little bit better. Not less painful, but more meaningful. And meaning gives beauty.

Watch as this coterie of humans flaunts their humanity in all its unsubtle imperfection! Watch as young beings make mistakes over and over again until the karma has to sledgehammer the lesson home! Watch as wounded spirits flaunt their scars and pick at their scabs and ritually re-enact their wounding with and upon one another! Laugh your heart out at the sheer egotism, egoism, and self righteous sound and fury these poor creatures wear like stolen costumes from a theatre trunk! Chuckle sorely at the gruesome and ludicrous mishaps of self-inflicted fortune! Come one, come all, and witness the spectacular dance of the Blind Leading The Blind, thrill to the world famous acrobatic troupe, the Spastic Fantastics, and experience the once-in-a-lifetime brilliance of the Stupid Sage On A Rock Mime Extravaganza.

Yeah, what she said.
  • Current Music
    Godsmack - Greed