Whoa...
Sudden insight into my character- the portions of it not obsessed with always being right/superior, or writhing in schizophrenia (which is actually an excuse for running from true change and growth). A large portion of my outlook is designed by a desire to have an aspect of playfulness. Everything from my views on magick to my views on sex are a stretch towards a willful ignorance of the rules that have been imposed on it. That childlike impulse that makes someone... well... wear a purple and white striped cat in the hat hat.
When we're kids, we spend half the time wishing we were grown up, and once we're grown up we try and recapture it. Good lords, what a cliche, but at least it has some truth. It's the innocence of childhood that we miss most. Children will believe in anything, because they haven't been indoctrinated into a worldview yet. The world is a new and different place, and the unknown brings that sense of awe.
When I retreat into the no-sense of my depravity, I try and make everything unknown, and come up with a bastardized innocence. Corrupt, not truly innocent at all. But it's still a craving for the same thing.
I'd give up all the things that I know to say, "I don't know," and really mean it. Really mean it with a sense of accepting all possible answers, even the ones I don't like. Maybe someday I could let go like that... it'd be nice. It's something to work towards.
When we're kids, we spend half the time wishing we were grown up, and once we're grown up we try and recapture it. Good lords, what a cliche, but at least it has some truth. It's the innocence of childhood that we miss most. Children will believe in anything, because they haven't been indoctrinated into a worldview yet. The world is a new and different place, and the unknown brings that sense of awe.
When I retreat into the no-sense of my depravity, I try and make everything unknown, and come up with a bastardized innocence. Corrupt, not truly innocent at all. But it's still a craving for the same thing.
I'd give up all the things that I know to say, "I don't know," and really mean it. Really mean it with a sense of accepting all possible answers, even the ones I don't like. Maybe someday I could let go like that... it'd be nice. It's something to work towards.
Hope? Dreams? Faith? What good are these things? None. Why do you have them? No reason. That is illogical. Yes. You are illogical. And? It is wrong to be illogical. Oh. I'm sorry. Are you? No. I can't be sorry for this feeling, any more than I could be like you. You offend me. There's nothing I can do about that. I will not change who I am for you. I will try to express it better, but I cannot change who I am for anyone. Fool. I am. Yet, I have never met one who is not a fool. That's the one bonding trait of humanity I think. We're all trying to not be fools, but we're all in the dark still. It makes me cry. I am no fool. I accept reality, isntead of fleeing from it. I don't hurt the people around me. I don't spout out meaningless garbage when I'm upset. I can do practical things like get jobs, do work. You sting me! Your words are so tinged with anger. I cannot accept your reality. I see no benefit from it. Your reality hurts me, boxes me in. I...*sob* don't want to hurt people. You speak like I enjoy causing pain. I could speak of the thousand daggers I feel in me when I cause hurt, But that does no good, Because that's speaking of my pain, And not the pain I cause. I can cry for them, but again, My pain, not thiers. Why not apologize? To all those who have felt a sting from me, for each of your sufferings, I offer no vengance, for that helps niether of us. To all those that have pained at my hand, I cannot make that pain go away, I cannot undo what I have done. All the wishing in the world cannot do that. I can offer two things: My apologies, And a promise. I cannot promise to never harm you again. That is beyond me. I cannot promise to change either, for that can never be guaranteed. I can only promise to try. I will try to change. But please, oh please, be patient. Please be patient. I will slip backwards, I will advance by leaps, and I will fail, failure twice for each success. But it will happen. Bear with me, I'm having technical difficulties.
