I am currently ranting and raving and... twitching mentally. It's like some wierd form of a siezure. Vague panic at this lack of control of self. I may not be able to work tonight as I was planning to. Unless I can find something to DO with this chaos distortion.
I'm kinda growing enraged at the amount of people that know what they are doing in the "M" sense of the world. I'm against anyone knowing what thy're doing, because in my experience that's the moment you are the most absolutely wrong. What I most hate though, is the lack of playfulness in it. People start finding applications that don't involve acting like they're six years old. It makes me gavuely uncomfortable, more so when I'm twitching, but right now that's fading, with some of Sarah's advice.
I honestly don't believe in Magick. So why do I practice it? Because... it's true. In a sense. It's hard to explain. Well, I think it gets back to the old chaos magick mantra of "Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."
This is why I've been a solitary for so long, other peoples perceptions confuse me, becasue they think their perceptions are true, and that makes me think mine are true, when we're ALL wrong.
Some people are looking for reason and rationality. I'm looking for an utter destruction of "sense" and "logic" and replacing it with a giant game, where anything is possible, and anything can be true if you think it is. I want to be the Eternal Six Year Old, running from Storm Troopers while riding dragons and reading books all the time, but really being in the books that I read.
Is that so wrong? It's not insane. Insane is beliving in a world that is less than perfect. Insane is coming to terms with "reality" and living in the same humdrum as everyone else!
"I don't think that is really the case." GOOD! Think what you want! I'm going to think what I want, and goddammit, agree to disagree (or agree even when you disagree!). I am large, I contain multitudes.
LONG LIVE THE DRAGON! Sarazen is a Viking Mead Hall, Saga is an Open Air Marketplace. Paduah is a mountain, populated by dwarves in caves, while Hines is a living thing, unsure of itself as of yet. Siena Hall is a cresting wave in a ocean of soil, and the Library contains the Warp Core that powers the Starship Siena College through the cosmos.
Yet, even so, I still seek acceptance. I want people to agree with me. Whether they do or not is meaningless, but I don't want to be lonely. It is somewhat selfish of me, because I want to play makebelieve with the world, but want to be in charge. I dunno... I'd be willing to play makebelieve in other universes for awhile, but I really like mine.
We'll have to see what happens.
You know, I just realized something... 'Manda's been my throw off for the day. Her... concreteness is wanking me. Just as I try and abandon it, she has not only reaccepted her brand of magick, but concretized it. That's the difference between our working styles. I don't have one. I just believe, and by virtue of my belief the world changes. Or more often, doesn't. I work quite comfortably in concepts like, "relative nonexistance" and "fart" and "probable states of usefullness of ideas". In other words, I exist in a very abstract world, divorced of such things as gravity.
'Manda doesn't, nor does she want to. She's working on generating a conflict between us in that aspect, and I'm doing it too. Time to stop. Welp! Off to start that paper I meant to an hour or two ago. Posh.
It's not often that I'm this unsure of myself. The fact that I am unsure is a muchly good thing. I hate it when I think I'm right. Not quite as abd as when I am right (if there is such a thing as rightness).
Remy - Debonaire Drag Queen
My roomate is kinda acting a little bit odd. Like I'm one to talk, I know. But he's quit his job, dropped his MWF 10:30 philosophy class, and is quoting American Beauty, "I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose."
Getting a little creepy.
And an epiphany that didn't involve a toilet too.
No, I was talking to Shannon, and she was talking about having to get over herself, and forget herself to become a vessel for the music.
And I realized, we are here to be a vessel for ourselves. We are here to channel and invoke ourselves. Just a thunk.
Looks like getting work done is a far fetched idea. I'm ready to leap laughing from an open window.
What amazes, chuckles and amuses me is that when I'm feeling my absolute worst, having the most depreciated view of myself, that is the moment everyone agrees with me. The moment I lose hope, everyone tells me my past hope was in vain. The moment I stumble on my path, everyone becomes hard set in convincing me that my path was an error to begin with. When I want to reject all I've held, people push me towards it- but push to hard, sending me to the opposite extreme, not the middle where they and I were hoping for.
Why? Why do I care? Why am I incapable of coping? Why is it that when I return to my awareness of my inner emptiness everyone has to take that moment to point fingers at it?
Don't you think I know already? Do you somehow think that your added input is somehow going to change the funk I'm in?
I need a little signal, some flashing light that alerts people to my moments of psychotic episodes so that they leave me the fuck alone. These things pass, they always do... but GODDAMN it get out of my head! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!
You know, if I were reading this, I wouldn't think that I was someone suffering from something... no, i think I'd think that I was some whiny fourteen year old, trying to look crazy to scare away bullies. Actually, I acted crazy to scare away bullies when I was in middle school, not fourteen. I guess old habits die hard? Then why the hell can't I get all of this shit out of my head? HRm? I"M FUCKING LOSING my grip as we speak. Speak? who the hell am I talking to? WHAT? Shutup you. Yeah, and you too. i'm typing here.
Please disregard this post. I'm not quite sure why I'm sending it.
Do you know what it's like to break down crying, and then wonder if you're really sad, or just faking because that's what you should be doing? The instant you ask that question of course, the tears stop, sad or not, and leave you seriously questioning the emotion behind those tears, all all emotion flies away, and you end up typing into your LJ.
I'm going to go read some back entries... I'll start at the beginning of my LJ, and work forward. Maybe I'll learn something.
Or I could just not be able to read my LJ at all.