November 2nd, 2001

run the fuck away

Continuation

Muchly disturbing tarot readings (no, this isn't really a continuation, it just seemed like the right word to start this). Sarah whipped out her tarot deck and really got me set off on edge.



Most of the stuff was exactly as expected. Past influences and current goals were maintained across several readings. But various nasties kept showing up in the future, and all of them basically showing a return to old trends.



No, no and three times NO! I've come this far, I've climbed this much- I will not backslide. I WILL MOVE ON! Onward, upwards towards wisdom.

I am me, me is many, and I am one.
  • Current Music
    3 Doors Down
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Ra Beem

To show off a bit of useless, not-really-Star-Trek-Trivia-But-Really-anyway I'm just going to expound on "Ra-Beem."



First off, Peter David, author of HULK, among other comics, is a major Sci-Fi fan, and has written what are, in my opinion, some of the only Star Trek related literature worth reading. He wrote Imzadi which was the tale of how Riker and Troi got together originally, with alot of really interesting Time Travel goodness. Anywho, the Betazoids have a philosophy known as Ra Beem.



Basically, Ra Beem means, "I understand." When someone comes to you with a problem, you shouldn't just leap right in and try to solve it. Often, that's not what they want. What they really want is for you to understand thier problem, to understand them. Sympathize with them, but don't coddle them. Accept them, but give them room to change. It basically boils down to loving them.



For a long time, I've removed the heart from my worldview. Right now, I'm reinventing, rebuilding. I've lost alot, and just gotten it back in a rush, and I don't know what to do with it. I've got some really important good things back, but I've also gotten some dangerous traits back. It's time to grow up all over again. Time to keep the best parts of the Child Remy, but temper that out with experience. EXPERIENCE, not CYNISISM.



I can't help but have an outlook on life where I see everything as essentially good. Even the bad things. Today in philosophy, we were discussing Nietzche's eternal return. Basically, the entire universe is a circle. Time loops around and around, and you are doomed to live this life again and again, eternally. Everything that happens is bound to happen again and again. And for Nietzche, this si a good thing. It has glorious potential. But someone asked about stuff like the Holocaust. How can we accept a world where those things are doomed to happen again and again?



And while I pray to god that those things never happen again in this cycle, I can accept that they must and shall happen each time the cycle repeats. I don't see anything wrong with that.



Is that heartless? Is it cruel? Or is it just a realization that bad things happen, and there's nothing wrong with that.



I think I need to take some time and accept the universe as it is before I go editing it rampantly and willy nilly. I'll keep up my monastasism of course, but I'm going to lead my rituals in more of the self-improvement/divination direction. Enough swamping my web design prof with chaos vortexs. I'm going to take this time to use magick to bring myself closer to those people around me, not further apart- not moving myself away from them to further my goals. There will be a time to go out on my own, but now is not that time.



I'm going to learn to accept the world. I'm going to learn to accept myself. I'm going to learn to grow gently, and not in rampant spurts. I will be cautious, but open with the people around me. I'm not going to run around changing shit for right now.







And I'm going to ask that those of you that know me in person, and that those of you that read this journal, that you all watch me. And don't be gentle when you see me doing something that you think is an error. I may disagree with you, but at least let me know that I'm doing something off. If I have a valid argument... let it slide, but if you think I'm full of shit, just make it very clear, in fact, go, "Remy, you're being a pancake." Pancake is going to be my keyword for being a total idiot.



*gasps* Remy is leaning on other people for support? Wierd...
  • Current Music
    Aaron Copeland - Fanfare for the Common Man
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Shit... neet realization

Dead Winter Dead by Savatage.

My own internal struggles.

If this doesn't mean anything to you, get me to talk openly about myself, and even if it does, listen to the album and read the plot in the front cover.
  • Current Music
    Savatage - This Is The Time (1990)
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Good Morning

This morning I wake up full of hope. I've seen the cycle of my life. I've accepted that it exists. The question is, am I strong enough, brave enough, and daring enough to break it? This is a solitary quest, I'm the only one who can walk it, but sometimes, people standing on the hill behind me can see the path better than I, and shout out when I stray.

For... ever- I've had this problem accepting help. "This is my quest, I have to do it alone," and all of the other great superheroisms of my youth. Grant- my potential is infinite. But my realization of it thus far is quite limited. I must accept this, and accept that I need all the help I can get. Eeep help?



Recieving help is not going to make me less of a superhero.





"Tell everybody who's waiting for superman,

That he hasn't dropped them,

Forgot them,

Or anything

It's just to heavy,

For Superman,

To lift."







Good morning Hope. If you let me down, I'll have no one to blame but myself.
  • Current Music
    Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy
run the fuck away

how many times

have I taken the easy way? How many times have I gone, "OW! It hurts!" And turned around and run away?



How many times have I been so sure, then fell out of my own faith?



How many times have I defeated my own hope?


No more I say, and again, no more. I can't do it again. I will not fall into patterns. I will choose my course and stay on it, until I have learned enough- changed enough- to change myself.
  • Current Music
    Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
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"If I could be like that..."

Around this time every year, give or take a month, I embark on some process of spiritual searching. Looking to fix those things that hold me back. And every year, just as regularly, I fail. And I don't know why.



If any of you have even the faintest idea, I'm looking for suggestions. I'm looking for ways to break this cycle of rehashing the same mistakes over and over again, working on the same personal failings again and again and again.



I want to be a better Remy. Part of me wants a simple, easy life. A content life. Part of me hates that part. Contentment can't be held onto. I need to move beyond contenment. I have to accept pain as well as pleasure.



I'm working on the 25 conjurations from the Liber Kaos Kinetes Kuberneties (or something like that- it means "The Chaos Thunderbolt Controls all things"). It's five levels, each with five conjurations, ranging from Invocation to Illumination. I'm working on the Illumination one right now. I construct a "lamp", and select aspects of myself that need work. The lamp is my guide on the quest. Right now, I'm working on conquering my arrogance, my self centeredness and my fear of myself.



The parts of me I hate I need too...
  • Current Music
    Godsmack - Whatever