And so it hits.
Psycho uberdepression. The unreasoning depth of just self loathing that slaps itself down on me from time to time. It wasn't brought on by anything specific. It just ripped into me with a vengance and kept ripping. Still is.
I hate myself. There's no logic to it. No reasoning to it. I just despise myself with a passion. My MP3 collection revolts me in my mood.
Went to the RPI players party. Any other night I probably would have enjoyed it. But tonight... I loathed it. I don't even know why I went. It was instinctual. Something in my head told me to go... this deep drive, so I went. It was horrible. I was bored, and sliding in and out of this depressive state. Not exactly party material.
I want to beat the shit out of myself... but I'm a bit too wussy. Just slapped myself good, but hey...
bleh.... I'm sick of my whining.
Other stuff. Saw Beth toniight. To make the long beth story short (I've got about 24kb of other journals mostly about her), I met her at the LAST RPI player's party. (That's the RPI drama club and no- I don't go to RPI). So anyway, I meet this really cool chick, we hit it right off. Lots of fun, lots of joy, and hey- she invites me back to her dorm (she DOES go to RPI)... she invites me back to her dorm to meet her boyfriend.
Suck. But of course, at this point I was hooked. I stuck to this girl through her boyfriend being a bit of a dick, through thier breakup, through her grandmother's death, I was perpetually there for her. I'd do really stupid shit for her too. Like it'd be two AM and I had class at 10, but she wanted to visit. So of course, I'd invite her over.
Till tonight, the last time I saw her was the day she arrived back to RPI from her spring break. I was her only friend about and she was really lonely. So I visited of course. We had a great time. Ended up sleeping together (literally... just sleeping) and cuddling most of the night. I go home in a good mood.
In the next week we have one three word conversation that is less than amiacble.
After that.. nada. I IMed her a few times. I think I sent an email, but nothing. No response.
Tonight we exchanged a few words. I was spacy and depressed, and she was... I don't know what. Just further bleh in a bleh story of mine.
Sometimes otherwise cool people can ruin alot of good stuff through a few really nasty traits.
Sometimes I don't even see through the illusion I present...
And when it drops...
Good morning world. I wake up and am feeling... strange. Zoned. Missi (psychophreak that she is) dumped her boyfriend, and despite any other words, the fact is she dumped him for another guy that she met at the players party. Yeah... didtch one relationship for a couple of hours of getting to know someone. I am not one to critisize for such things, but it was rude- her timing was horrible. Just dump the guy at a party for god's sakes. Brilliant.
Neat stuff from yesterday- it wasn't all bad. I just sat down to write this when I was in my most horrible possible mood. And yeah... maybe someday I'll actually organize my thoughts so i don't put five posts up within minutes of each other.
Alright, thursday night 'Manda and Liz came to visit, and ended up crashing here. I babysat Liz for a bit while 'Manda was at work, and then Dennis swept me away to go check out an art gallery in Troy. Some neat stuff on display; it was all tek oriented. Pretty shpif. The wittiest display was a set of art designed to filter OP2 molocules from the air, since they can build up and cause people to beocme uncreative. Yes, OP2 was made up. But the guy had an entire scientific sounding explanation for his work.
Also... in another display someone, Beth O'Rourke to be exact, made a most wonderful pair of sculptures made from spare electronic parts. It was really really gorgeous. I want to find her and talk to her. With nothing but a name to go on, how hard could it be?
I'm just a crazy lunatic about such matters.
I love Radiohead.
mmmm... yummy goodness...
I want to get on IRC... and it won't let me!!! WAAAAA!!