Why? Cause a half truth is better than no truth at all. Even when I say things I personally disagree with, they're still half true. Part of my personal confusion comes from trying to hold everything in my head at once. It hasn't worked yet. I can't be everything, but it's so enticing I can't help but try. Everything and Everyone. That's my goal.
Or is it? I honestly don't know, but it sounds good. As of late I've been getting increasingly schizoid. I've had distinct schisms in my persona. I'm trying to reconcile this, and reincorporate everything into some sort of coherent whole, but I'm having the worst time of it. No, this isn't the worst time of it I've had.
In fact, I've had much worse. Come to think of it, this is rather mid scale for me. Wow, that makes me feel better about the whole thing. I haven't had a major schism for two or three years.
But have you ever had those occasions where you're watching what you're doing, don't want to be doing it, but do it anyway? That rather vulgar dream I mentioned sums it up nicely- I'm doing stuff I don't want to be, and for no reason other than that I can't stop, and am enjoying causing the pain.
And eventually, I realize what is happening, and become not just dimly aware that this is not what I want to be doing, but acutely aware- and also aware that I have the capacity to change my actions. It's an odd feeling to think that you can't choose your own actions.
I've matched my will against the people that would abuse me, the people that would control me, the spiders that claim my creation, demons from my own mind, but the one thing that my will can't dominate is myself.
Speaking of, I've got an appointment with the local Sidhe tonight. They're pissed at me, and rightly so, I've been completely incommunicado lately, and whatever forces of unrest there are in Troy, they've been getting stronger while I've been gone. That, and the assasination has gotten no closer to solved. Oy vey. This sounds so day to day, doesn't it? Bah.