How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy (t3knomanser) wrote,
How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy

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Did, done, doing

Well, we've all had some time to digest my earlier posts. The responses have been... well, I honestly don't know. Something.

manycolored and rajura have really caught me.

Good ol' number one, as it shall henceforth be called, has really echoed in my psyche for awhile. I was a terribly adjusted youth; I was maybe three more beatings in the hallway away from a Columbine myself. Excuses? No. I don't excuse it. I don't, I can't excuse any of the things I did when I was a kid. Everything from animal mutilation, homemade bombs, near suicides, near homicides, and even molestation were things I did.

But at the same time, I don't. I'm not about that. The fact that it all happened, that's all part of who I was, and am, but that person, the person who did all those things, that's not who I am now.

For awhile, I attempted to distance myself from that. The primary motivation for going by "Remy" instead of "Jeremy" at Siena was that it was one more step away from who I was in the past. For a long time, I was a very guilt driven person. I saw myself as evil, I dealt with this conflict with images of knights in blazing white armor and simmering black dealing each other blows on the battlefield. I pretended hope, but really, I only thought the worst.

Then, the next stage was complete nonthinking about those things. I confessed them to a few very close people, and stopped thinking about it. And that was no good either.

I am not evil. I am not an object for revilement. I am better than the things I've done because I've learned from them. I am painfully aware of the things I am capable of. I've struggled on the boderline of sociopathy for a very long time. Even now, when I get upset, no one else matters.

But the fact is, while I bear with me all of who I was, I am not what I was. I instead, am striving forward, onward, and I'm working to distance myself again, not by running, or using a slightly different name, or claiming to be seperate, but by changing and growing.

When was the last time I really grew emotionally? I don't know. I really don't. But this moment, I'm accepting the past, and at the same time putting it behind me.

For those of you that find your trust shaken in me, think for a moment. You came to trust me through my actions. Through the way I have acted towards you and those around you. You've seen me fuck up, you've seen me pull off some surprisingly good shit.

Trust or do not trust me on the same merits that you originally came to trust me. Don't ignore what I have confessed today, but don't forget the faith I had in all of you by coming forward and sharing this.

...and to all of you in TV land...

...we are sorry...

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