yay stream of consiousness honesty
Why I'm listening to Bloodhound Gang right now I don't know, "I wish I were queer" is not condusive to brain farting, but it is a silly amusing song. Besides, being queer is as silly as being straight.. . I firmly believe that all guys should sleep with another guy at least once, prferably a guy that never learned the simple things, like not to thrust while getting a blowjob. Silly things, like that. Girls should be all about that, because it means guys will be better lovers. The whole understanding thing.
So... yeah. Where am I this morning? In my head, someplace. It's amazing... I can put a brainfart on pasue to carry on a conversation, and I can feel it, paused in my head, not advancing nor retreating. And yes... yes... I'm alone in my head, and I'm short on the resources to fire my own personal forge, and I need to temper my steel, I need to purify it by fire, and harden it, need to make it me! I need to realize that I am who I've always wanted to be, and I am in a transcendant state of perfection, and that I, and only I, can DEFY THE SUCKITUDE (this is true for everyone else too... we're all individually the only person that can DEFY THE SUCKITUDE). And so I ramp, I charge, I increase the gradient, and the image changes. Filter, gradient map, whirl and pinch, dupe the layer, flip and take the difference... basic image creation process for me... I AM INVINCIBLE!
Where does my head? What infinity do I eat for breakfast? WHAT LEFT DO I TURN? Left is important... left is perhaps the most important part of my life. When in doubt, go left.
Quoth the Principia, "When in doubt, fuck it. When not in doubt... GET IN DOUBT!"
That was the most cohesive brain fart in my memory. I've been very depressed, very alone this morning. I think it's Shannon's fault really. We were really connecting for awhile, we were.... at least as close as we've ever been and still had a healthy connection. And it was extremely nice. But then, it kinda evaporated. Basic different methods of cognition got in the way. The parts of her I had thought to be different from when I last knew her hadn't really change at all. She's still anorexic and self destructive. She's still a bit of a bitch. She still views a boyfriend as something of a prize, vaguely objectified.
But still, we really connected for awhile there. And it's gone. But all of that... it's been a few months since I've had a decent connection with any one else, and that was 'Manda. With 'Manda though, it was a slow process of drifting, and when it was gone, I almost didn't notice. But then this Shannon thing... it was abrupt. Slamming into a brick wall.
But it's reminded me that I still want to connect strongly to people. Lots of people. I want, like Zarathustra, to not give out of the motive of charity, but because I have excess, I give out of my overflow, and I want to overflow on everyone! But at the moment, I've stopped noticing my excess. Which is rather silly methinks. I know it's there, I just don't know it's there.
Anywho, I've had my catharsis, I'll stop being angsty for a bit.