What amazes, chuckles and amuses me is that when I'm feeling my absolute worst, having the most depreciated view of myself, that is the moment everyone agrees with me. The moment I lose hope, everyone tells me my past hope was in vain. The moment I stumble on my path, everyone becomes hard set in convincing me that my path was an error to begin with. When I want to reject all I've held, people push me towards it- but push to hard, sending me to the opposite extreme, not the middle where they and I were hoping for.
Why? Why do I care? Why am I incapable of coping? Why is it that when I return to my awareness of my inner emptiness everyone has to take that moment to point fingers at it?
Don't you think I know already? Do you somehow think that your added input is somehow going to change the funk I'm in?
I need a little signal, some flashing light that alerts people to my moments of psychotic episodes so that they leave me the fuck alone. These things pass, they always do... but GODDAMN it get out of my head! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!
You know, if I were reading this, I wouldn't think that I was someone suffering from something... no, i think I'd think that I was some whiny fourteen year old, trying to look crazy to scare away bullies. Actually, I acted crazy to scare away bullies when I was in middle school, not fourteen. I guess old habits die hard? Then why the hell can't I get all of this shit out of my head? HRm? I"M FUCKING LOSING my grip as we speak. Speak? who the hell am I talking to? WHAT? Shutup you. Yeah, and you too. i'm typing here.
Please disregard this post. I'm not quite sure why I'm sending it.
