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t3knomanser's Fustian Deposits


How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy

run the fuck away

Mad science gone horribly, horribly wrong(or right).


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run the fuck away
I hate being angry, I hate fuming, but sometimes, one has to vent.

I want to know how I am the bad guy again, even though I didn't dump Amanda for anyone else, or hell, I didn't even dump her.

Because I let go gracefully, and don't linger, don't let the pain cripple me, and isntaed, bite the bullet and concentrate on something else, I'm wrong?

"If you can move on so easily, it most not have meant as much to you." Yeah? So? I realized that, which is one of the many reasons I moved towards ending it. To be perfectly, and painfully honest, I don't, and I'm not sure I can love Amanda with the same doggedness with which she loves me.

It would have been cruel for me to continue on in that relationship with that sort of inequality. That would have been wrong, not getting hit with the suckerpunch and standing back up. No, it doesn't hurt me as much. But gods, I should hardly be guilty about it!

Instead, any sympathy I have gets overrun by anger. And I don't like that. I don't like myself when I'm angry. I get mean, I get cold, I get calculating. So, instead, I vent here, in the hopes of a) getting across WHY I might be a pissy individual from time to time, and b) venting so I don't have to be pissy later.

  • That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Because... when we started out... i thought we did love each other equally. Because i feel betrayed somehow... because I had faith in you and trusted you so much that i was willing to take vows with you - something that I take seriously. And when you decide that you've never loved me the way I love you, you don't think this is going to hurt me? Because... that changes how I have to look at everything. Because it changes how I can trust you or myself.
    • Betrayed maybe, but don't say that I've betrayed you- because the entire time, I was doing the best I can, acting on what I believed to be the truth.

      You know what hurts me? Your refusal to accept the facts of life. We both were miserable. We both got out of a bad situation. WE BOTH chose this. And we both chose it because we knew it was the right thing. We AGREED that it was. And now, because I'm not miserable for doing the right thing, you've been betrayed.

      What it changes isn't how you trust yourself, it changes your worldview- if you'd let it. You can use this to destroy everything you've ever believed, or you can look at it in as positive a manner as possible. You could *gasp* allow for less then perfect love perhaps? You could accept that not all good things have to be forever? You've been given tools to make a new 'Manda, but it's up to you how to fashion it. You could make yourself miserable and bitter, and that'd be fine. Or you could try and understand this in a hopeful light. You could see why this entire thing is good. And that'd be fine too.

      I can't tell you which one is honestly better, though obviously, I have a decided preference to the latter. But no matter what you choose, that's up to you, and I'll have to accept that, if not like it.
      • Sorry Amanda, but I totally agree with Remy on this one. I don't see him as the bad guy/guilty one/person to blame it all on at all.
        He has every right to feel however he wants about all this.
  • So I have no right to feel hurt by the fact that I seem to be so easily gotten over? That in July he begged me to give him another chance because he wanted to make things right, but by November he's not only broken up with me, but completely over me? I'm not allowed to have whatever emotional response I have?
  • Even so, Amanda has every right to feel how she wants.

    My only protest is being expected/demaned to feel a certain way- to made to feel a criminal for not feeling that way.

    And I never said I was over anything.
    • Yes, Amanda has the right to feel hurt. But I think she's being just a touch too eager to point the finger at Remy and try to make him feel just as bad.
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