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t3knomanser's Fustian Deposits

Joel Meets God

How Random Babbling Becomes Corporate Policy

run the fuck away

Mad science gone horribly, horribly wrong(or right).

Joel Meets God

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Tom Baker

Joel opened his eyes. He was in a place full of white light. He blinked a moment, shocked by the light. He sat up, and saw someone across the bright white plain, or was it a room? There was no sense of distance. He asked the man, "Am I dead? Are you god?"

The man, turned, and his annoyed expression was evident. "To answer your first question, I don't bloody care! To your second? Do I fecking look like god to you?"

Joel considered this. He had always been raised to think of god as either a grouchy old bearded man, a smiling young bearded man, or an invisible ghost. Three in one or something, like one of those mutant M&Ms. This man however, looked nothing like any of those. He was vaguely priggish, with gold spectacles perched on his nose in an intellecutal way. "Um... no?"

"Exactly my point boy! Excatly!" The man approached Joel, waggling a finger threateningly. Joel backed up, discovering he was on a bed, like one would find in a doctor's office. "Do you know who I am?"

Joel considered the oppressive whiteness, the bed, and the fact that this man was decidedly a type-a freakout sort, and asked, "A doctor?"

The man angrily blew air between his lips and rolled his eyes. "No, I'm bloody well not a doctor! I'm the fucking bloody Laws of Nature!"

Joel must not have heard correctly. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me! I know you heard me? You know how? Because I'm the goddamn Laws of Nature and I know how sound propogates! That's how! Goddamn humans."

"I'm sorry... it's just that... well..."

"Well what lad? Spit it out! Oh of course, we could chat all day! I have nothing better to do! Shall I make you some tea?" The Laws of Nature rudely turned his back on Joel, and began working at something on a white counter.

"Well, I just thought that well... the Laws of Nature were a set of impersonal forces..."

Without looking up, the Laws of Nature just muttered, "Well of _course_ you think that. Your neurons are built so that most of you won't even concieve of the notion." Whatever it was working on exploded, and a small puff of smoke headed upwards. "Goddammit! I swear I'll get this to fucking work!"

Joel got up, and moved towards the Laws of Nature. "What are you doing?"

"Inventing a new physical law to allow for the propogation of neutrinos."

"Isn't there one already?"

The Laws of Nature looked somewhat put out by the question, but instead of exploding in ire, he muttered, "Ummm... no."


"Well... no. It's just, I was watching you ape-like bastards getting so smug and sure of yourselves, that I just _had_ to do something. So I started flinging around particles faster than light, just to see what would happen, but now those particles are just off, doing it on their own, and we just can't have that! No, no, no. So I've got to make a law to govern them, and drink it."

Joel could now see that the Laws of Nature were working with what looked like an alchemists set, what with strange glass jars and bunsen burners, and those glass coils things. "Drink it?"

"How the bloody else am I going to make it a part of me? This is what I hate about you apes, all the questions. Do you know how many times I've had to do a total makeover just to keep you bastards guessing in the last fifty years?"

"Ummm... no?"

"One hundred, fifty seven, point three-five-oh-four-three-two. Do you think it's easy, picking up a new law? It's like doing brain surgery on yourself, but adding or subtracting a memory! It's a goddamn pain in the ass!"

"Then why do you do it? Does god make you?"

This got Joel another eye roll. "There is no god you silly slitch. I hear that G-Word again, and I'm going home. Secondly, I do it because... well, I'd just hate for you little apes to get bored..."

I think there's more to this, but it's bedtime, and the martini is wearing off... next time I get tipsy, I'll pick it up.
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